Twitch Return and the many Queens

 

Yaaaay!

I’m sitting here trying to plan my return to Twitch, thinking about the theme of my event.  It’s so hard to pin down what I want to express, want to convey.  I think maybe I should just return normally, play games and just talk.  That would be fine too.  But I feel my insides demand more.  I feel I need this opportunity to express and perhaps even redefine myself.  I underwent a heart and lung transplant, pushed through and transformed myself through the fires of getting-the-fuck-out-of-the-hospital-and-Airbnb-and-return-home, and persevered, no. . . I AM persevering through recovery.  And recovery is also so hard.  But I’m doing it and I’m making progress towards a new life.  A life I never knew was possible for myself.  I want my Twitch return to reconnect me to all the things I love.  The community I love.  

So now this event is hard to plan because I’m making it too big in my head lol.  

I’m looking at all my pictures from before transplant to after.  It’s overwhelming really, what I went through.  It’s so hard to process it all.  But I just keep going.  Keep getting up, keep taking my meds, keep exercising my lungs, keep seeing the lung team doctors, and repeat.  Hopefully, I’m getting stronger.  Hopefully, my lungs are expanding.

After the bloody nose fiasco and hellish ER visit, I’ve been recovering at home and it’s been going well.  I have a lot more strength now and have been working on my return to Twitch mostly.  I’ve been cooking a lot, cleaning my disaster zone of a closet, trying to find time to touch grass, or in my case, sand.  I’ve been doing mini streams in my discord while playing Clair Obscur: Expedition 33!  The streams are so fun.  I love talking to my community, even if it’s in a smaller capacity.  And of course Expedition 33 is superb.  It’s beautiful, engaging, fun, and so emotionally moving.  I’m thoroughly enjoying my playthrough!  It’s been interesting getting ready to stream on discord as if I’m getting ready to stream.  I take a lot of prep work to stream.  I love working through my aesthetic for the night.  Envisioning my different inner-queens, bringing them to life through fashion and makeup; it’s all so therapeutic for me.  I feel like I’m giving birth to an inner me I once was in a past life or one I have yet to meet.  Sometimes I don’t have time to be so elaborate, but that’s ok.  I love being Cozy Queen as well.  She’s perhaps my favorite.

I did go to the coast recently and it’s the same coast I went to the day before I left for the hospital for my transplant.  It was interesting going there again, like I went full circle.  It was brighter than I remembered.  The coast, wider.  The sea seemed to stretch onto forever both to the left and right, like I was surrounded by just blue. 

Seeing the sunset on the coast the last day before my transplant felt like a long chapter ending in my life and even though I didn’t see the sunrise that day I went recently, being there with the sun high in the sky, seeing the birds soaring, diving for food, seeing the waves crash on the rocks as they have done so for billions of years . . . felt like a new beginning.  I’m happy to be here and I’m so grateful for where I’m at.  I can only hope to give this life, my community, my loved ones, all that I am.