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Setting up my stream
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My mom said she was proud of me today.
It’s June 4th and exactly a year ago, I was in the hospital. It was when I was there because I was coughing up blood from my lungs, but the doctors didn’t seem to care about that much. They were more concerned with my slow 40bpm heart rate. This was where they told me I needed a heart/lung transplant and I knew I was in for a ride. This is an intense thing to hear, but I knew since 2008 that a heart/lung transplant would be the end game treatment of my pulmonary hypertension with ventral defect (extremely high lung pressure paired with a hole in my heart). So even though this is a life changing event, I have had a lot of time to process this. When I heard this from the doctor explaining this all to me, I was of course shocked (I didn’t think it would be NOW), but it was short lived. I very shortly got into, LET’S GOOOO mode, my mind mentally preparing for all that I needed to do, what needed to be done. In my mind, there was no question. I wanted to live and this was the path. No fretting nor doubting getting this transplant was going to help me on my path towards living a longer, more fulfilling life, so I mentally steeled myself to give these thoughts no energy of mine. All energy would go to where I needed to go. It would go towards preparing for transplant, the actual transplant, and recovery.
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| Petite dejeuner time with momma |
When I told my mom just now I was in the hospital a year ago, she took a minute to remember what happened last year, recalling from her perspective the timeline. She remembered how I was in the hospital by myself dealing with all the testing, the doctors, the dire news, the hard decisions. She then paused and looked at me and said she was so proud of me and that I was so strong. I don’t know how to explain how her saying this to me has moved me, is impacting me. It’s such a moment. Something I never really asked for, but perhaps deep down always craved. Always wished to hear . . . Immediately, though, I felt so unworthy of the sentiment. I mean, I am proud of myself also and I do feel like I am strong. I just feel like this moment, like I don’t own it? Does that make sense? Like if I touch it too much, it will disappear. It’s a moment that belongs to time and the gentle morning light that was coming through the window lighting my mom’s face and my flowered teacup. A moment that belonged to my mother’s long hard life, something she trekked through across thousands of miles across the sea to travel here to marry a narcissistic man who gave her nothing but misery just to give me life and raise me with all her infinite love that no darkness could touch. I just feel I wouldn’t be even half as brave, half as strong without the love my mother has always shown me. That she has taught me. Yes, I’m strong and I’m proud of myself . . . but I will always understand and revere where this strength has come from.
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| Have you been to Fentons? |
When I was in the hospital getting my transplant, I realized my mom was extremely wise. I mean, I always knew she was wise in some ways, but I got to see how she treated me as a nurse and saw how GOOD at it she was. Being in the hospital and needing extreme care both physically and emotionally, I honed in really quickly with who was very good at nursing and who wasn’t. My mom just KNEW what to do and KNEW what to say to me as a patient and it’s not just because she’s my mom. I have heard many of my mom’s patients while she was nursing LOVED my mom. They requested her constantly and only wanted to work with her. Being practically her patient when she would visit after my transplant showed me exactly why her patients loved her. It’s funny to me because people sometimes make fun of my mother because she’s a funny Filipino immigrant that is often characaturized, she can’t hear well and she seems senile and sometimes even silly because she is child-like and can say comical silly things, make funny sounds like a child. But they don’t know how much wisdom she has. People don’t realize how much wisdom IS IN love. How it can easily guide you to the smartest decisions you’ll ever make in your life. She is easily the wisest person I know.
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| Getting ready stream snackies |
I’m so busy lately, mostly with the Twitch Streamathon and also exploring other content creation. My Math Specialist career is winding down and I’m trying to pour myself, my energy into other things, but also trying to stay financially stable. It’s been so hard. But even with all of this, I’m still trying to carve out time to spend with my mom. She has, what I was told, stage 4 cancer. It’s stable-ish right now, but I’m not really sure honestly. She is not exactly forthright with the information of her scans and tests with me; I know she doesn’t want to worry me. I’ve known for years now she may not be with me long and I’m long past trying to convince her to get this treatment or that treatment to help prolong her life. She is who she is and she will get the care she sees fit for the end of her life. There is not much I can say to convince her otherwise I have learned years ago. She is still getting chemo and treatment, but perhaps not as much as I would like . . . but I digress. So I’m at the stage now where I try to enjoy as much time with her as I can while balancing out my own life. And if I’m honest, the only real time we have is at breakfast (as I’m usually busy the rest of the day freaking out about what the hell I’m doing next), where we both get up around the same time and make our favorite meal of the day, a little petite dejeuner. Here, sometimes we have talks about our plans for the week, funny things we saw on social media, musings about science and spirituality, and sometimes deeper talks. They are wonderful times I am truly grateful for.
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| Fashionista time |
I know this can be pretty cliché, but I really try practicing living like today’s my last or even if it's one of my loved ones' last days. We never know if we will lose someone. I knew in my early 30’s I wanted to improve my relationship with my mother. Some may be envious of the relationship I have with my mother, but know it wasn’t always like this. My mother is the main reason why I went to therapy 15 years ago. We had so much pain and hardships between us; there was a time I didn’t even visit her much. Through therapy, I gained the strength to address everything that was between us. This was not easy. I had to basically face not only all my inner pain, but also much of hers to get us to a place to have very hard conversations about how she raised me, decisions she had to make that ended up echoing painfully throughout my life, and some decisions she had made for her life that are also still painful for me. I don’t know what it is about parents, but the talks with them are just the most painful one can endure. Parents have the power to undo us with just a look, just a word. But I braved all this pain because I knew she wouldn’t be here forever. Now, I’m so glad I did what I did. It’s probably the reason why we can have breakfast together today.
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| Ellie, the perfect loaf |
Not everyone perhaps has a salvageable relationship with their mothers and I think that’s ok. Some mother’s have a lot of work they need to do on their own. But we all have someone who is worth strengthening our relationships with. Sometimes, there’s a pain, something deep, that is preventing us from getting closer to someone as much as we would like. It may be worth our time to investigate this, start pulling on that thread, start discussing it in therapy. For me, this decision I made 15 years ago with all my love, was perhaps the smartest decision I have ever made in my life.
And I'm still taking donations to reach my GoFundMe goal to pay for living and medical expenses as I am not really working. Every little bit really helps and is so appreciated. And even you just reading my blog means so much to me. Thanks so much!
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