A year in a blink of an eye
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| Selfie taken 5/25 Streaming room a mess, but productive! |
It has been such a long time since I last wrote here. Last June? I can’t believe it has been almost a whole year. Where has the time gone?
My heart hurts when I think of the year past. My desperation of trying to financially sustain myself with a set of new physical post-transplant challenges, my anger with myself for letting someone so toxic into a community I love and hold dear, and my deepest sorrows of losing my mother . . . my one true constant in my life that has been my rock and my teacher of what love is.
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| I'll protect the Queendom at all costs |
It has been A YEAR. While it's absolutely true that parts of it have been difficult, I also find myself feeling deeply grateful. I’m thankful that I’ve been able to create opportunities to sustain myself outside of a corporate environment—an environment I’ve always known I could never truly thrive in. I’m also incredibly proud of our community. This year challenged us in ways I didn’t expect, but I’m proud of how we came together and reminded ourselves what real friendship looks like. We supported one another, held each other accountable with empathy, and intentionally made space for one another in both our joys and our struggles. In a world that often feels disconnected, that feels like something worth celebrating.
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| She dressed up for Thanksgiving 2025 |
And I cannot express the joy I feel that I was able to spend another two years with my mother, that her first round of chemo extended her life enough that she was able to see me through my heart and lung transplant and through my recovery. She was there with me every step of the way and I am so grateful for the powers that be granted me such precious time. Every day, every moment with her, even the hard ones, were everything to me. I really couldn’t ask for more. As I said at her funeral . . . She is the light of my life and I will be forever grateful that the universe granted me that in my life, she is my mom.
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| Getting brunch and hanging downtown 🍹 |
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| Getting coffee visiting the coast 🌊🌞 |
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| So happy to spend Christmas with the fam bam 🎄 |
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| Many breakfasts I spend with her with her pink bow reading 💗 |
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| Cultivating my relationship with my partner has given me peace and stability |
It’s 2026, almost halfway through, and I’m still trying to get to know myself better post-transplant. My meds make it so energy levels are crazy low unless I drink a double shot latte in the mornings. My brain is so foggy; I forget the simplest of things like what I did 5 minutes ago, names of people who I’ve known for years, simple words. I’m hoping this is the meds and that this will improve over time.
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| Cassandra from Mixtape, but Queenified 👑 |
I’ve been pouring myself into streaming and my work as a private math specialist. They’ve both become deeply fulfilling careers for me because they allow me to be creative while also connecting with people in meaningful ways. Lately, I’ve been trying to market myself more authentically through social media — not just playing video games as a streamer, but who I am and the kind of life I want to cultivate.
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| Trying to touch grass and not let the moment get away from me |
I think a lot of people in their 40s quietly feel like adulthood requires them to abandon the things that once brought them joy. As if having a career, raising children, or being “successful” means you have to stop gaming, stop creating, stop exploring hobbies, or stop making time for yourself altogether. I’ve always felt defiant toward that way of thinking.
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| A character I made, the Moontide Bard |
I’ve intentionally carved out space in my life for joy, creativity, quiet moments, and the things that make me feel connected to myself. I don’t believe these things are childish or selfish. In many ways, I think tending to your inner happiness is part of what allows you to show up more fully for your relationships, your community, and the people you love. I want to create content that gives people permission to keep those parts of themselves alive. The joys we carried in childhood or our teenage years do not need to disappear as we grow older. Like a garden, those parts of ourselves simply need care, time, sunlight, and room to grow. Not all at once, but slowly, intentionally, day by day.
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| My teaching persona 😻💙 Helping students with learning difference |
My work as a private math specialist is also deeply important to me. I genuinely love mathematics and have always felt like a mathematician at heart, but even more than that, I love helping students who are struggling and feel unseen within traditional education systems. Many of the students I work with have learning differences that make learning math through conventional teaching methods incredibly difficult, emotionally painful, and cognitively overwhelming. I’ve seen so many intelligent students internalize the belief that they are “bad at math” when in reality they simply need to be taught in ways that work with their brains rather than against them.
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| Celebrating 45 orbits around the sun |
One of the hardest parts of building this practice has been navigating social media and marketing in order to reach the families who can sustain my work financially. I receive so many messages from parents who desperately want help for their children, and it genuinely hurts that I cannot always offer the level of support they need. My hope is that by continuing to grow my practice, I’ll eventually be able to create more accessible ways to help a wider range of students while still sustaining myself. Lately I’ve even been thinking about offering free or lower-cost teaching sessions for students with learning differences through weekly YouTube livestreams. I care deeply about this work and want to find ways to help more students feel capable, understood, and empowered in math. If anyone has ideas, my DMs are always open.
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| Ellie gurl 💓 |
Overall, I’d say I’m in pretty good spirits, though a lot of conversations in my community lately have revolved around how difficult things feel right now. So many people I know who are looking for work simply cannot find it. Companies say they’re hiring, but people send application after application only to hear nothing back at all. We’ve also had long discussions about AI and the growing feeling that many of these things are connected in ways we don’t fully understand yet.
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| Half the meds I take daily. They make me so fatigued and so hard to remember simple things. |
The overall state of trying to keep ourselves financially and emotionally sustainable feels harsher than anything I’ve personally witnessed in my lifetime. My heart genuinely goes out to the people being deeply affected by this, because there is so much fear, exhaustion, and uncertainty right now. I sometimes think that a society where people cannot access or afford basic human needs begins to lose part of its humanity. I’m not entirely sure what I would call that instead, honestly. Maybe that uncertainty itself says something.
There’s only so much we have power over, but we can always keep in our hearts what we hope and what we’re grateful for. I am grateful for my health, this 2nd chance, my partner, my family, my friends and my community. Thank you for reading and holding space to listen.
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