The Scars of Time

               

        It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m trying to reflect on the year.  I felt this year has been INSANE for me.  One monumental change that has upended my life.  I feel like I’m traveling at warp speed into an atomically small hole, being squeezed to fit into a singularity.  Like the sum of all of what I’ve done is leading to just one outcoming to which I’m staring at its precipice.  No one knows it’s outcoming, but we are all along for the ride.  

        One of my doctors came in today.  He is very nice and he asked me if anyone has told me my “timeline” yet.  Ummm, no.  They all basically tell me no one knows how long I’ll be waiting.  He looked surprised and told me that they usually tell the transplant patient a tentative timeline depending on what priority number they are on the transplant list.  Why no, doctor.  No one has bothered to tell me that and on the contrary, they usually look at me like I’m stupider than a jar of mayonnaise and very patronizingly explain to me that they couldn’t possibly tell me a timeline because no one knows when one will die.  I didn’t tell him that, but that was just running through my mind.  He told me that someone with my priority number usually doesn’t wait more than 2 weeks (I’ve been here for 3 weeks), but since I have a high number of antibodies, it can be harder to find a match.  I have a high number of antibodies because a number of years ago I got a blood transfusion.  He said that he knew someone who had high antibodies and they had to wait 3 months for a donor, though they were on a lower priority number than me.  So, I know I have to wait a while, perhaps not as long as 3 months.  I’m very glad he is nice to me and took the time to explain all of that to me.  

This gurlie had many dreams

        All my life, I have been very excited about living life.  I love learning, planning what I’m going to do next, setting goals for myself and creating action plans to achieve them.  Even the thought of this makes me smile.  Like life is a canvas waiting for the strokes of color transmuted through one’s heart, a blank sheet of music ready to be written on and emoted to.  I feel this often, wanting to plan my life beyond transplant.  Wanting to set up this social media thing and this web site portal and this and that and this and that.  But then I stop.  I remember me doing this earlier in the year and I would run out of steam so quickly.  My energy would drain so fast.  I wouldn’t be able to sustain projects at all.  I don’t know if there are studies about slower heart rates or high lung pressure, but I can tell you for me, it has diminished pretty much every aspect of my life.  I am extremely limited.  I know in my current state, I won’t be able to execute projects as I once did.  This is no longer alarming to me though and I’m at a place of peace with it.  But the thought that plagues me is who I will be after transplant.  Everyone says I will be practically a different person.  I will have so much more energy and plenty of capacity for whatever I put my mind to.  I’m wondering if any of the goals I’m setting are influenced by my heart/lung condition and if I will still want the same goals after transplant.  I feel like my post-transplant self is like a different person.  Someone I haven’t met yet.  I wonder what she is like.  What she will want to do, where she will want to bring us.  What she will want to show me.  I hope I’ll be able to meet her.  

I can hear this music just
by looking at this pic

        I made these fun collages of the months of my life for 2024 to post for New Years.  If I had to title this year, it would be The Scars of Time, the opening song title for the game Chrono Cross.  Even though Final Fantasy is my favorite franchise and I love its music dearly, The Scars of Time has always been my favorite video game song hands down.  I feel that intro so much.  It reminds me so much of my childhood with my brother.  I am so much like Kid.  

        January: I’m a happy guuurlie here just streaming and playing with her keeties.  I’m enjoying my jeweled-out hair and many wigs.  My heart rate was already slow here, but I didn’t know it was an issue until much later.  I did notice I was getting more tired, but I thought I was just getting lazier or something.  I didn’t know it was because I was getting worse.

        

        February: I took myself to my annual solo omakase dinner date for Valentine’s Day.  I also took my mom to my favorite breakfast spot and had much keetie cuddle time.

        March: I played Final Fantasy VII Rebirth for the first time!  I did a great Tifa cosplay and was on cloud 9 (haha, pun intended).  I also celebrated my 43rd birthday.  There was no denying it; I am now well into my 40’s.  My Twitch bestlies sent me cup-ee-cakes and I went to dinner with my mom and Moukeni.  Choccy loves his cat tree basket that he is way too big for.

        

        April: I finally got a custom keyboard that Dabble had built for me.  I was so happy with it!  I love my keyboard so much.  I also enjoyed playing with fashion and had a weekly date with my aunties and momma.  I also found love again this month.

        May: My momma, aunties and I went to our highly anticipated fancy dinner night.  It was incredibly delicious and I look forward to when I can go there again.  Choccy loves doing cute poses in his basket.  This is also the month where I went to the hospital and was there for a month.  I finally understood how very sick I was and knew that a lung and heart transplant was in my near future.  The picture at the bottom left was taken at the cafe I was at right before I coughed up a copious amount of blood from my lungs.  I almost didn’t go to the hospital.  I  have coughed up blood many times before and have been to the ER for it many times as well.  They usually just shrug their shoulders and send me home once it’s finished.  I felt like this time was different though.  Something gnawing at the back of my mind.  When I got to the hospital, the doctors again didn’t care much that I was coughing up blood.  They were, however, very concerned about my slow heart rate.  After a week of deliberation, they decided that a lung and heart transplant was in my best interest.  I often wonder what would have happened if I chose not to go to the hospital.  I would have still been at home being so very tired, wondering what was wrong with me.  Wondering how this would all end.  I’m glad I went and I’m glad I know.

        

        June: I spent half this month in the hospital and went through a fucking ordeal.  Read my first two entries of my blog to get the deets.  I was so so so happy to go home.  I got to watch Happy graduate, spent weekly time with my momma and auntie, enjoyed proper pho and cuddled with the keeties as much as I could.  I streamed very little during this time, trying to conserve my energy for those infernal weekly doctor’s appointments I had to go to, or as I like to call it, the BS Medical Gauntlet.

        July: Same preserving my energy and weekly dates with the fam.  I did acquire a new housemate, Aroma.  He braved a daunting drive across 5 states including the Mojave desert in July California heat in a rickety U-Haul with his car in tow and tabby cat in hand.  I salute him.  We had a celebration at the House of Prime Rib.  I also started seeing my brothers more, which meant so much to me.  It hasn’t always been easy to see them, let alone maintain a relationship.

        

        August: I get a kick out of seeing Aroma eat foods he has never had before, like sushi and huevos rancheros.  I was able to go to the Apple Festival and visit Japantown, which I haven’t been to in decades.  I also played a lot of 7 Days to Die.  Space made a character who looked like a creepy version of Sephiroth who we dubbed SepherNOT.

        

        September: Twichcon!  Let’s goooooooo!  It was so fun being with people IRL whom I care so much for.  I live, breathe and game for these people.  There are others who fit this category who weren’t able to attend, but they were with us in spirit.  Also, that pic of Aroma and Happy . . . ICONIC.

        

        October: I really thought I’d be in the hospital at this point, but there were many delays, so I made the best of my time.  Aroma had the famous Ole’s waffles; we had a fun day thrifting.  I was able to see my great aunts and auntie.  I haven’t seen my great aunts for decades, so it was really nice seeing them.  I felt like being HAAAAWT so I dressed up as cowgirl Tifa for Halloween and passed out candy.  I don’t think many people who came by knew who I was; I thought they thought I was a bad Jessie from Toy Story lol.

     

        November: I found out this month I would go to the hospital on December 9th, so I tried to plan to live as much life as I could before then.  I visited friends, celebrated my mother’s birthday, hung out with my brothers, celebrated Thanksgiving, put on a tea party and ended the month with Hamilton in the city.  This may have been my favorite month of the year.  =)

        

        December: Most of this month, as most of you know, was spent in the hospital.  I write this on New Year’s Eve.  But I did as much as I could before I came here.  We celebrated Aroma’s birthday; he had his first taste of a Lion King Roll.  Basically a baked California roll with salmon and spicy mayo on top.  It may be my favorite roll, high recommend.  I think he was in heaven.  I did my last stream before transplant (I called it my Transplantathon, literally what a fucking name), watched anime with Moukeni, and was able to visit the coast on my last day.  It was a perfect ending for me.  Also, bottom right picture, my mom gave Aroma a Prince shirt for Christmas.  It was the funniest thing!  But what made it even funnier was Aroma’s reaction.  He said, who is this?  Michael Jackson?  I CANNOT Lololololol.

        And that’s it.  That was basically my year.  It has been nice to reflect upon it.  I wonder so much about 2025.  I don’t know who I’ll be, but I’m very excited for this new chapter.  I’m very grateful to even be here.  I hope I’ll see you there =)

 

Chrono Cross Opening