An Eternal Truth

 

        Christmas came and ended so quickly.  It was so nice and beautiful to me.  I’m sad it’s over.  It filled my cup and I still feel my cup full.  I’m still here in the hospital, waiting for a donor.  I wonder when I’ll get one.  Sometimes I get overwhelmed and think one is coming very soon.  But sometimes I feel like I’ll be here waiting well into February.  It’s pretty calming knowing right now in my life I just have to do one thing.  Just wait.  Well, stay healthy as well, but it feels good to not worry about the million things life can give you.

        On Christmas Day, I looked through many of my old pics of myself from past Christmas’, about the last 10 years.  Seeing the progression of my path.  I was always struggling so much, balancing the part of me that is a free spirit and the other side of me that needs healing from past traumas that craves comfort and relief.  Always trying to live in the intersect of the two.  Always running, always remembering to breathe.  I’m so grateful for my journey and even though some may think I’m in a precarious place in my life, I mean they’re not wrong, I feel this is exactly where I always wanted to be.  I always wanted more than the life I was given could give me.  Some may call me selfish, ungrateful for the hand dealt to me.  Most people settle and live within the bounds of what they were given.  Not me.  I never was one to.  I burn too fierce, too brilliant and one-pointed to settle for what I was given, to not settle for what we were all given.  It’s not being ungrateful, it’s dreaming and understanding an eternal truth within myself that I always knew to be true.  That I am loved beyond measure.  That we all are loved beyond measure.  That I love beyond measure and I will gladly stand for this truth in the face of life, in the face of death, in the face of being misunderstood, in the face of being torn down, even by myself.  This truth is my home and it is with me wherever I go.  I’ll always be ok wherever I am.

        2014, I was 33 in this picture.  I just got out of an abusive relationship and entered a much more stable one.  I’m wearing a short blue ruffle dress I have had since I was 18.  I wore it with knee-high black PVC boots with teal ruffles and black velvet lacing.  This has always been me.  I don’t like how women are expected to be a certain way, especially at certain ages.  I wish we can always be our inner selves without questions.

        

        2015, I went to a friend’s house for a Christmas/football game party.  I believe it was the LA Chargers and LV Raiders (though we in the bay know they’re forever Oakland).  It was the first Christmas in a while being in a social place.  Being social IRL is very hard for me, but I remember I had a good time.  

        2016 - 2017, I went to England then to Mexico, respectively.  I did a lot of traveling these years and had a good time.  I lived in a lot of the “comfort” I was craving all my life, but I do remember around this time feeling something missing.  I would constantly write about how I “missed” myself and would read my journal entries from the past and feel like I lost something.

        

        2018, I took my first solo trip with my mother ever.  My hair was not hairing that day and I don’t know why I thought red lipstick with no other makeup was a good idea.  But I was happy and having a good time.

        2019, I left teaching a couple days before this pic was taken, teaching my last class I would teach in a school.  I knew teaching was taking from my health since I began in 2002.  I felt my energy, concentration and capacity diminish every year and felt 2019 was the year to find something else.  This is the year I also began streaming video games.  It was the best decision I had ever made for myself ever.  The first games I played online were Resident Evil 2 Remake and Star Trek Online.  This was also the last Christmas I spent with my Uncle who had passed earlier this year.

        2020, A Christmas I spent with my mother in my new place.  My new place had a fireplace and I was happy to sleep downstairs in front of it. I thought this was my happily ever after house, but life had other plans for me and all I could do was just hold on and hope for the best.

        2021, my first time living downtown in a big city, one of those posh young-people apartments.  It was really fun and I did a lot of growing here.  I felt like this time of my life was like the redo of my 20’s.  I dated again and faced a lot of similar situations as I did in my dating life in my 20’s and did NOT make a lot of bad decisions as I once did lol.  I felt more balanced and happy with myself and where I was at.  Much of my past traumas have been well healed.  My mom came to visit that Christmas and everything was great.  

        2022, I did a crazy Holiday Streamathon, or Queenathon as I had called it, that I think lasted like 17 days.  I streamed through Christmas and New Years.  It was kinda crazy, but a lot of fun I must admit.  I remember I played my first Life is Strange game (True Colors).  I played a lot of Fatal Frames, Nier Automata, and Crisis Core.  I also drew Banh and gave Moukeni a math lesson.  If I didn’t have to WORK work, I would spend more time streaming as I did with this Streamathon.

        2023, I was surrounded by family and felt very much at home.  I felt at peace because my mother’s health was getting better, but I didn’t know at the time MY health wasn’t great.  I will learn that later this year.  2023 was a real struggle.  Getting health insurance was monumentally hard.  I can go about this in length, but I think you know what I’m going to say.   I hope at some point we can all come together and create real change against the system that holds our health hostage.  Nothing will come unless we fight for it.

        

        2024, and here I am at the hospital, waiting for a new heart and lung.  It feels so weird saying it, but I want to keep saying it because I want it to be ok to say things that are real.  I always hated sugar coating and lying to spare feelings.  It’s worse to me than being slapped in the face.  I’m also analyzing my feelings about why such a thing is hard to say and hard to hear.  I feel like I have everything that makes waiting for something like this comfortable.  I do miss my cats.  We have a camera in my room at home where I see them and call them.  They always look at the camera or come in if they are not in the room to look at the camera, always looking for me.  I miss them so much. 

 

New Years Eve 2023/2024

        New Years is next Wednesday.  2024 was a blink.  I don’t think I’m ready to be 44, that’s like WILD.  I’m convinced time is relative for the person and that we all age differently.  How people are supposed to “be” at certain ages is, for the most part, a social construct and I think we need to remember this.  Pretty much all of our insecurities derive from some dumb social construct or another.  I just don’t want to hold that stuff anymore.  I’d much rather watch Star Trek and eat good ice cream and ramen.  I’ll meet you in 2025.