Summoning that little girl

Having brunch with Rinoa

 So, I wrote last week and I wanted to post it, but the day after, I got a medical update.  I got the date I’m going into the hospital.  I already announced it on stream, but if you didn’t hear, I’m going in on December 9th.  I’m feeling mostly good about it; finally, the day is coming.  But of course, I’m going to miss home, my cats, my comfort, my safety, my stream.

        I’m still processing everything.  This is such a monumental event for me.  In any outcome, I will be changed more than I have ever.  I remember the time I got my heart operation when I was 5.  Don’t ask me why, but I was so excited.  I was so excited to experience a heart operation.  My mind was not yet conditioned by the world at that time to understand that it’s supposed to be a frightening thing.  I felt like I could do ANYTHING.  I was excited to experience something so grand.  I KNEW I was going to be fine.  I noticed everyone around me was scared and careful how they spoke to me about the procedure.  I remember thinking they were all silly.  This is a wonderous thing, I told myself.  Why couldn’t they see that?

That little girl was so fucking strong.  Nothing could deter her.  And now, the world has well soaked into her skin like tar on a factory floor, clouded her eyes with insecurity and doubt.  Told her she needed to shut up; She needed to be careful, She needed to be less selfish.  They told me that I couldn’t do what I always dreamed to do.  To live.

I’ve been remembering my younger self more these days.  Summoning her perspective.  Slowly shedding this tougher skin that had once protected her.  Remembering her brilliance.  My brilliance.

The gurlies (Miyu and Ellie)

She makes me smile now, remembering her.  Like she is telling me this crazy secret.  There is absolutely nothing to worry about, she says.  My fears are silly and this world, this procedure even, is a blessing.  Though I’m not fond of the word blessing, I guess in times like this, it will have to do.

I’m going to stream now and fight Pyramid Head in Silent Hill. This is what I do for fun lol 

Below is what I wrote before I knew the date I was going in.  I wrote it 11/19.  See you on stream.

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Cuddle gurlies

The morning air is grey and still, cleansed by the rain from the lands to the north that knows only ice.

I’ve been cooking and baking a lot.  I want to make sure my mom has something she can eat and I also love food and love to eat.  Going out is so much more expensive now, so mid as well make the boojie food that I love so much at home.  Still expensive especially for a lot of people, but more doable on a daily basis than going out.  I don’t have energy for much else.  It feels so nourishing to my soul to step away from this money capitalist game we are all forced to play and immerse myself in the art of cooking.  The harmony in the kitchen, friends and family.  I remember my life with my x-partner and how being in the kitchen was mostly a solo event.  Or even if they were there, it still felt like I was alone.  How do you explain to someone how they should be there with their loved ones when they’re not even there for themselves?  It feels like you’re with a phantom even if they never leave your side.

Tea Party!

I still don’t know when I’m being admitted to the hospital.  But living in this state of limbo has made me feel nourished and balanced.  I am not rushing my doctors to remind them that they need to schedule me in.  I’m going to wait for next week to remind them in the hopes that they push it back till after Thanksgiving.  I really want this time to spend with my family.  But . . . there is a small seed of doubt in the back of my mind.  Very small, but it’s there.  I’m so very tired all the time.  I mean, I was tired before, but this is unlike anything ever in my life.  I know I keep saying it, but my energy levels are beginning to alarm me.  I feel like I’m seriously fading; I can’t explain it really.  I have some days where I get up, make food, eat, go back to bed and rest until I sleep again.  I get so sad and upset I can’t do regular things as I did before, even if I was limited, I could still do something, but now I just feel like there’s nothing I can do but exist.  If there was any doubt in me that a heart/lung transplant was necessary, that is all now gone.  I know I need one and a part of me knows I need one soon.  I wonder if I’m being foolish waiting another week.  Foolish or selfish or . . . I don’t know, making a mistake?  This is me just airing out my fears.  I’m just taking deep breaths, trying to stay calm, trying not to force anything, and trying to make the best decisions with the information that I have.  I need to remember that I don’t have control of much of what’s going on with me and that much of it must be left to faith, the devices of the universe, and the forces unseen.  I need to believe that all will be ok as long as I stay true to myself.

Me and Rinoa

I did get to visit friends and family I haven’t seen in a while.  I saw my friend, Rinoa, whom I adore.  She is such a solid human being who I love spending time with.  I also had dinner with one of my mentees, my former student Steve whom I had begun teaching when he was 8 years old.  He is now 29 lol.  I don’t know where the time goes, but many of my former students are full blown adults with families of their own now.  It’s always good to see him and catch up on his life and see how his family is doing.

I got into teaching math because I wanted to move out of my house so badly.  My home was so painful to live in and I really needed to live on my own in my early 20’s.  I wanted to be a flautist; I was a music major and thought I would go all the way, but I changed it midway and begun studying pure math because it came easy to me.  I knew it was my ticket out of my adolescent home.  A part of me is sad that I had to abandon music, but honestly it’s a small part. I love music and it has never left really.  Even though teaching math wasn’t my number one thing to do, the experience, the bonds I grew, the impact I had on so many people, there is nothing like it.  I can’t believe there are people who look up to me, who find my advice and words valuable.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to that.  

Simon looks down on you

I wanted to stream last night, but it didn’t happen.  I’m really wanting to do a streamathon or something, maybe just a mini one, but how do I do that right now?  I’m trying to think of a way to make it work.  

How is it November already?  The end of 2024.  I’m saying goodbye to it by rewatching Star Trek TNG.  I forgot how much of a happy place this show is for me.  Yes, it’s very flawed in the way it portrays women, but like LOTR, it is an extremely well told male representation-hero-centric story.  It is something good to sink my teeth into before shit hits the fan.

Songs on my playlist

Roads - Portishead

Will You Be There - Celebrate the Nun

Broken Belief - Bob Moses

Watch You Bleed - Haunt Me