"You've been locked in here forever and just can't say goodbye"

Touching some sun <3

I feel like it’s been about a million years since I last wrote . . . or streamed.  I almost feel like a shadow of the person I once was, but I guess I’ve been focusing on other things.  I’ve been cooking more, much more.  It brings me joy because I love food lol.  I’m eating a roast beef sandwich with pepper jack cheese with extra mayo and a little mustard.  I’ve been into plain ass sandwiches lately.  Meat, cheese, mayo.  I think it’s because I like the meat to be the focus of the sandwich and the softness of the bread I choose.  The way the mayo makes everything stick to the top of your mouth.  It’s so simple and so satisfying.

Homemade tacos with
homemade tortillas <3

I’m making a 5 hour pot roast right now.  It’s the 2nd time I’ve made one in the last five days.  The first one was so good; I needed to do it again.  I made it with Cabernet and the flavors were so comfy, homey, but also classy.  I feel like I want to make this every week.

Choccy, king of my bed

Health updates.  I did my mammogram and the last of my tests.  The doctors have met and want to admit me the hospital in the next two.  My lung/heart transplant coordinator is very unpleasant to work with.  I don’t like her.  She always seems to pretend to care about how I feel, often updating me on what’s going on and asking me what my thoughts are and if I have any concerns I’d like to bring up with the team.  And I tell her and everytime I have, she indirectly always dismisses what I have to say, condescends me.  I hate dealing with people who do that.  She says something like, “well is that life threatening?  Could you live with it?” I’m like, bitch . . . you asked.  It’s a concern of mine.  Please just tell my doctors.  She could have said it so much nicer with much more consideration.  Something like, “That seems so hard to deal with.  Know that your doctors will want to see you as soon as possible because x, y, and z, and I know that’s hard, but let us know how we can support that better.  I’ll let your doctor’s know and I’ll keep checking in with you with where you’re at.” Whyyyyyy are passive aggressive people allowed to deal with people with chronic illnesses?  Being kind is NOT HARD.  Every time I talk to someone that has to do with my. health, I’m so guarded and very short worded.  I’m so scarred by dealing with people and this lady is one of the nicer assholes.

Thrifting with the fam

But yeah, I’m going to be admitted to the hospital soon to get a lung heart transplant.  I’m now the person I didn’t want to think about in June when I came back from the hospital.  The person who has to think about this monumental procedure, my emotions, my thoughts.  I’m so good at distracting myself and avoiding things, I have a Ph.D in this shit, but I won’t allow myself to be distracted away from this.  Even though it’s so hard, I know I need to face it and head on.  I can’t hide from it.  Not if I want to make it out the other side of this.  I have to summon the bravest part of me, the strongest part of me and I need to meet this challenge with everything that I have.  And this, I will do.

Dreams and memories

So that’s where my brain has been.  I have been pretty much off Twitch and discord. I’m so sorry if anyone feels ignored or that I haven’t been around.  I’m . . . you know.  I’m just cooking, breathing, spending time with my mom and family . . . sitting by the fireplace I always dreamed of having since I was a little girl trying to enjoy my time.

Kissing the sunlight

I’m musing to stream tonight.  Musing.  I do want to see everyone, let them know I think about them often.  I tell myself I’ll stream more, like everyday my last two weeks before I need to leave, but that’s like now.  And I’m very tired.  I want to though.

        It's my mom's birthday soon. I'll be happy to at least be here for that.

Pastel Dreams

        I hope everyone is well.  I can’t tell you how much I miss you.  I don’t want to talk about it too much because when I think about it, I just cry.  I’m tearing up now.  I need to stop lol.  But know I miss you so much.  Even if we don’t talk a lot.  Everytime you say hi or talk about video games or ask me how I’m doing, I get so fucking happy.  You make me so fucking happy just because I know you and I can’t wait to hang out all the time as we did.  Look what you did.  I need tissue.  I love you so much.

        I’m going to go dry my hair now and try to get pretty so I can convince myself that I can stream tonight.  Do something simple you love and I’ll see you soon.

Psylocke is my fav X-Men

Lyrics of songs I like that I’ve been listening to

”You’ve been locked in here forever and just can’t say goodbye.”

Apocalypse by Cigarettes After Sex

“What’s your name? Who’s your daddy? Is he rich like me . . ."

Time of the Season by The Zombies

“I used to think that the day would never come

I’d see the light of the shade of the morning sun

My morning sun is the drug that brings me near

To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear”

True Faith by New Order