Preparing for the best, preparing for the worst . .

Kissy faces and cats

I can’t believe it’s been a month since I last wrote . . .  How can time just fly by in a blink when there isn’t really much going on.  At least, I haven’t been to any appointments.  Just the waiting game.

In terms of my medical appointments and waiting for a transplant, I’m mostly waiting for September 30th, when I have scheduled my last medical procedure I will need to be put on the list of heart/lung transplant.  After this procedure, if all looks well, I’m told my cardiologist wants to put me on the list as soon as possible.  They said they wanted me to admit myself to their hospital starting October because if I’m on the list outside of the hospital, it will be years until I can get a transplant.  And from my understanding, the heart doctors feel waiting years with an untreated 3rd degree heart block is very dangerous.  So I’m trying to mentally prepare myself to admit myself to the hospital yet again soon.

Berserk sculpture

This is making my day to day very strange.  I don’t like to lie to myself. I must always look at the full picture, no matter how uncomfortable it may make me feel because I feel like acting while holding very hard truths is one of the greatest loves you can do for yourself and for others.  This is a life changing event no matter how I look at it.  Either I come back to my home changed and mostly for the better, or I don’t.  I just don’t come back.  How do you prepare for something like this?  Do you try to be the best person that you can be?  Do you think about all the things you should have regretted in your life?  Do you try to make amends with people?  Do you start to write letters to all your loved ones?  Do you organize your really fucked up closet?  Do you just sit and pet your cats?  Do you tell your mother you love her every single day?  Do you stream everyday so you can feel connected to your community?  Do you pour your energy into your creative muse who you have neglected since you were a teenager since you were so desperate to move out and start your own life?  Do you shut up and cook because you’re hungry AF?  Or do you just sit and preserve your energy.  Or do you even need to prepare.  Maybe we should just live our day to day, do our bills and groceries, pet our cats and do our laundry and enjoy the taste of coffee and the feel of breezes.  I feel like I have chosen to act somewhere in the intersect of all this.  So yeah, my day to day is very strange.

Totoro and Catbus!

But I streamed last night and that was of course so very fun.  I’m excited to get into Dragon Age: Origins.  I have played 2 and Inquisition and am so excited to play the first one and perhaps revisit the others.  I am going to stream as much as I can because I DO feel like very soon, I won’t be able to.  I sinisterly want to stream while at the hospital lol, but I don’t know, we’ll see.  If I do, cam off of course . . . But idk, it could be strange.  Maybe I’ll just blog more.  We’ll see.

Japantown lunch

My mother is in the Philippines right now putting my uncle to rest.  I’m worried about her of course because she’s off her chemo while there.  I also just worry about her in general.  Everytime she goes to the PI, there is always some weird drama and my mother is usually sucked into something where people make her feel bad or she is taken advantage of.  As someone who has never been to the Philippines, people always tell me how I “have to go” to the Philippines to do this and that, but I have a lot of family who I would feel obligated to see and if I do, I don’t think I can be kind or hold my tongue if I see or hear someone being rude or taking advantage of another.  I am still holding so much trauma from my father, how I saw my mother and brother being abused, how sometimes things can BE growing up in a colonized culture.  I would not be able to nor would I want to hold back from stopping myself from defending the oppressed, which is like everyone tbh.  For now, it’s best I don’t go.  She’s in good spirits though when I call her.  We were able to take her and my aunt to Japantown before they left.  I haven’t been there since I was maybe a teen or in my early 20’s.  I remember walking down the halls and thinking I could never afford to eat there or buy anything.  I remember thinking sushi was so strange and miso soup tasting so weird.  Now . . . I can’t get enough.

Aroma trying Sushi for the
first time

I spend most of my days managing my energy.  I wake up, feed cats, eat, take meds, get tired due to meds, work if I have a client, lay down, try to do stuff, lay down again, try to stretch, take meds, make food, eat, don’t want to feel lazy so do more stuff, give up and play video games and try to be social, take meds, crash.  I’ve made a point not to check social media when I wake up.  It usually sucks away my day and diminishes my energy if I do.  I save most of my death scrolling before I sleep.  It honestly makes me sleepy and I usually sleep quick.

The Aromaburger

Twitchcon is coming up and I’m VERY excited!  I can’t wait to see my friends and give them the biggest hugs.  I’m going to enjoy our energy just riding to catastrophic levels, as it often does when we get together.  It’s also my last trip before I will most likely admit myself to the hospital.  I am nervous about my energy levels when I go on a trip. I can no longer go to a grocery store or a place where you walk for more than 2 minutes without a wheelchair.  I tried going to do groceries two Fridays ago without a wheelchair and I really fucked myself up so bad.  Not only did my system feel taxed beyond anything I have felt before, I also developed a fever that ripped through my system for 2 days.  Good thing it was the weekend and I didn’t work, but it was really bad.  I was in bed all weekend, couldn’t really do shit except play Fire Emblem: 3 Houses on my Switch.  I did eventually get better and now I’m just not allowed to go anywhere where I’m walking around including the grocery store.  I’m nervous about people wanting to go to a park or something with a lot of walking in San Diego and feeling like maybe I want to go to?  But I’ll have to be in a wheelchair and that just doesn’t feel good.  I mean, it’s my friends and I’m sure they’ll be insistent that it’s good and they’re supportive, but you still have to be strong enough to get over the initial social trauma of being in a wheelchair, and I’m not sure if I’ll have the strength at the time do want to do that.  I’ll also have tremendous FOMO if I don’t go, so I’m trying to just mentally prepare myself for that.  I do want people to enjoy themselves and I know the park will be so much fun for everyone, so I definitely don’t want to take away from that.  There’s so much to balance and consider.  I wish I didn’t have to think about this sort of thing, but it’s just a thing I have to do.

Bored Miyu

I’m thinking I want to do one fancy dinner in San Diego.  Just to feel a nice experience.  I’m all about saving money and buying food to cook, but I also need something sparkly and special to look forward to.  An experience of the night and the times.  I’m looking for a good place and have some places I may go.  I’d like to dress up.  I’m excited.

A very demure Ellie

I’m off to get ready to stream now.  I’m excited to continue Dragon Age: Origins.  We’re also continuing our Nick Cagethon this Friday 9/13!  We are most likely watching Con Air, which I haven’t watched in perhaps a decade or so.  I’ll be announcing in my discord, so please make sure to follow and turn on alerts.  I hope to see you on stream!