Overflowing cups and dusty old attics

Being happy with Happy

         Just got back from San Diego a couple days ago.  I ended up not going to Twitchcon because not only was it expensive, but I know it would have taken a lot of energy and planning and I much rather would have liked to relax and spend time with my friends.  There is a fire inside me though that wants to experience the con better, network better, share myself better . . . But with everything going on, I just don’t think this is the year to do that.

Fancy dinner with these beautiful ppl

            One conversation I had with my friends over in San Diego was that we all love to stream and when we’re streaming, we feel so connected, creative and happily social. We think, why don’t we do this more, like every day?  And then we talked about the mental preparation streaming can have.  It’s a lot.  We didn’t discuss why, but we just expressed that preparing for stream took a lot of mental preparation.  This made me think about what it exactly was for me.  I feel like I can only stream well when I feel very connected to myself, so much so that my cup is overflowing.  So much so that I have so much to share.  When I don’t feel connected to myself, content in myself, I have nothing to share and it’s so hard to wrap myself around the idea of sharing my energy.  It can feel very draining initially.  But I find if I do stream, even when empty, I don’t really drain myself.  I do feel uplifted.  It’s just getting past that mental block.

Aroma eating a churro for
the first time

         And since I feel like I’ve been in such a transitional place ever since the hospital, I’ve felt very uncertain about my energy levels in general.  What are they, how they should be spent.

Classic Moukeni

    So, what the fuck is going on.  My mammogram has been pushed back to mid October, meaning I won’t meet with the pre-lung transplant team until late October to determine next steps, which we are anticipating to be admitted to the hospital for transplant.  I guess I’ll be a patient for Halloween this year?  I actually want to be admitted asap so I can have some time for the holidays with my friends and family coming up.  I’d feel so weird spending Thanksgiving and Christmas in the hospital.  I hope that doesn’t happen.

Twitch Bitch Bestie Allo

            I’m so excited for some gamies to come out!  Silent Hill 2 Remake is coming out this month as well as Death Stranding 2 next year.  I am beyond excited for both.  Death Stranding was one of the first games I had streamed.  That game got a lot of shit for being very different, a “walking simulator” as many haters like to describe it as, but as someone who knows exactly how hard it is to walk, who notices every elevation, rock, step, etc, I will tell you, that game is way beyond a walking simulator lol.  It is and so much more.  I was nerding out with my friend, Allo, about how weird, refreshing and how this Type-A, I-need-to-create-a-spreadsheet-and-break-down-all-this-information-to-be-as-efficient-as-possible-while-winning-a-max-score as well as punch a few M.U.L.Es this game is.  It definitely scratches an itch I never knew needed scratching.  

This guy

        And of course, Silent Hill 2 is such a great classic.  I also dare say they should remake the first one.  I have a lot of memories of the first Silent Hill being one of the last games my brother played.  We have always had such a love for horror, even back then.  I remember him perfecting Resident Evil 2 OG before there were trophies, getting all A ranks (there were no S ranks in the OG Playstation version back then) with all Claire and Leon games, unlocking all outfits, guns, etc.  Being 17 at the time, I was pretty wow’d.  I also then unlocked everything, wanting of course to achieve what my brother achieved.  I remember knowing the pathing so well; I knew exactly what items I would need from my inventory before I even went to the next place.  I hope I can perfect it again at some point.  Revisit that part of my brain that is locked away.  A dusty old attic with nearly forgotten memories.  

Aroma vibes

Immaculate vibes

        I am off to go thrifting now.  I am looking for ornate, victoriany, gothicy picture frames that I can convert into black felt cork boards to put up pictures.  It’s time I worked on my dream aesthetic in my room.