Love is Infinite

         

My last night on the town     

Well, here I am.  The place I have been anticipating since last May.  I’ve been in the hospital since last Monday, it’s Friday now and I honestly am not sure how I’m feeling.  I think I feel a bit numb to everything?  I don’t know if that’s just lack of oxygen and not being able to process all the big things, or maybe because I have been waiting for so long that I’m kinda just over it.  The only things I’ve been really thinking about are my next meal, Star Trek and what game I want to play.

Hamilton time        

I had the embolization on Monday that closed a lot of veins in my pulmonary artery.  Ever since the procedure, my chest has been terribly tight.  It’s very hard to breathe and it hurts too much when I cough.  I think this is how pulmonary hypertension is supposed to feel like, but I was always asymptomatic since my decline has been so slow.  I never felt like this before Monday.  I know if I was at home and felt like this, it would be unbearable to do my daily activities.  But since I’m in the hospital awaiting lung/heart transplant, it’s fine.  I feel like getting embolization done was like a one-way ticket.  There is no going back now.  Not like I would want to, but I guess I’m feeing more a finality to everything.

The days before I left for the hospital, I was feeling anxious about coming here really facing a lung/heart transplant.  But then, I really thought about it.  What if I was denied a lung/heart transplant?  I feel that would have been devastating.  Because then there would be no solution to all this.  I feel like I would have been doomed and I would have been right.  I feel like going for this transplant is the only long term viable solution.  I just need to keep going.

          Enjoying the vibe

            

I spent my last week at home doing the things that made me happy.  I spent time with Moukeni watching anime as we always said we would.  I want to continue Apothecary Diaries with them.  I was able to do my Transplantathon Stream, my last stream before transplant, on Saturday.  It was such stupid fun lol.  I LOVED every minute of it.  And then spent Sunday, my very last day, going to the California coast, perhaps my most favorite place on this planet and feast on oysters and watch the sunset with my family.  I had an amazing time.  

   

Love is infinite  

So we found out yesterday that I’m officially on THE lung/heart transplant list.  I feel like I’m on a precipice, some cliff on the edge of space looking off at stars and nebulas that represent parts of my life.  I feel like I’m being told that I must jump and that I don’t know if I’ll dissolve into the darkness and lights or if I will simply fly and soar over it all.  I do have my preference to which outcome, but I am at peace with either outcome.

Yummy

I wonder how long I have to wait.  That is usually everyone’s question to me.  How long until I have a donor?  We ask this in some hopes that the doctors have some idea of how long one waits, but they don’t.  Just shrugs and vague it can be soon or not soon.  So I think I’m done asking that question.  Once I am informed we do have a donor and the organs are being prepped, I’ll have 6-24 hours until surgery time.  I guess that is the next step I’m waiting for.  For now, I’m just here in bed watching Star Trek The Next Generation and hoping my mom cooks me something next time she comes to visit.  I told her to bring me a medium-rare steak lol.  This place doesn’t have many beef options and I’m craving a bloody steak.

So much love 💕   

I just want to say a quick thank you to my online community and anyone else who has been keeping up with me my medical updates.  It makes me happy that people care enough to read my words and thoughts through this time.  It always shocks me to hear that someone has been keeping up.  And a special thank you to whoever donated money to help the financial burden of this transplant.  I go into this with so much more peace of mind than I did coming into this.  Thank you so much for walking my path with me.  

Till next time 💙💖💙

 I’ll give an update again if anything new happens like that next step I was talking about.  Hugs.

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