Tiny limes can defeat depression

Chill . . .

          I wanted to stream today, but already after work, I feel drained.  I had about 20 minutes to get ready for work, which is not enough time.  I’m glad I had help getting everything ready before my first client. It’s one of those days where every tiny voice of doubt, every tiny annoyance or insecurity is on my mind and hard to shake.  Instead of creativity and connecting, I think I’ll aim more towards balance today.  I hope I feel like streaming more tomorrow.

Too qyoooot

I went to the lung transplant team’s appointment yesterday.  The doctor I’m assigned to see wasn’t there during my hospital stay; she has read my file, but doesn’t know know the drama that took place.  It’s been weird interacting with the lung transplant team because they are the ones setting the appointments, not the doctor I see.  It feels like some obscure wizard behind a curtain making decisions. 

Too big for his basket

   There was an appointment a while back that wasn’t scheduled until last minute.  I contacted them asking when the next appointment was.  They told me they were trying to secure an appointment for next Thursday and that I should keep the day open so they could let me know the time, so I did.  Then a day before the appointment, they finally said 8am, which was their first appointment.  Like, god.  So early.  The most inconvenient time for an appointment, especially for me.  Then for the appointment I had yesterday, we were all ready for our appointment that was at noon.  I then got an email the day before and they moved the appointment an hour back.  I’m like oooookay, sure.  So I made plans to wake up earlier to go.  Then when we get to the appointment, we waited AN HOUR for the doctor to come.  Did they really need me to come early?  And why did I wait so long?  The people supporting me and I are beginning to feel these last minute changes are intentional.  It feels really yucky and I don’t like playing victim.  It’s just a very hard feeling to shake.  I can hear the voices of those who would side with the medical providers.  Well, it is good that they are testing you now because when you get a lung transplant, it’s going to be crazy too and you have to be strong enough blah blah blah, literally shut the fuck up.  I hate people like this.  People who side with authority like they are doing us a favor.  Those who intellectualize empathy so they themselves don’t need to feel what you’re going through.  My energy is so limited and I’m trying to conserve it as much as possible.  The heart team understands this and hate the idea that I have to jump through these hoops, potentially getting more tired and more weak, just to get the help I need.  This is the heavy weight I want to evaporate for today.

Even this, I’ll overcome.

New friends

I’ve been spending some great time with my mom, which is making me happy.  She is so funny! She has taught me to take joy in the small things. And spending a lot of time with friends.  Which also makes me happy.  7 Days to Die had a massive update and it's BRUTAL. If you are looking for a good survival game to play with friends, this is the one. I’m also rearranging my room into some cool spaces with a mini library with all my beautiful nerd stuff.  A cozy sitting area to read and a delicate antique desk for creative time. The desk is on a blank wall, so I can't wait to decorate.

Tomorrow is my rest day.  I’m hoping I can stream.  Sunday is the day I’m going to touch grass.  And then it’s another week . . .