Queen and Grace

Many appts means
many naps in
car rides

   

        It’s honestly quite hard to write when you know people will be reading it.  I’m not used to it, so if I sound a little off, it’s because of that.

        I’ve been thinking where the hell my mind and energy were for the last month.  It has been a little over a month now that I was in the hospital and I’m trying to reflect on how my life has drastically changed.

New friends means new cats

I feel like there are two dueling sides of me at all times.  Because I grew up with this heart/lung condition, on the borderline of poverty, and shouldering much emotional distress in my teen years, I learned to harness this great power within myself to help me elevate myself to what I see as my Best Self.  She’s strong, fearless, believes she can accomplish anything when she puts herself in motion, loves people, the lights of the world, and has a great desire to share her love, passion, and happiness to those who want to connect with her.  This is Queen, my best self, who streams on Twitch.  She has saved me so many times in my life, pulling me out of my deepest and darkest depressions.  Queen is my strength, but she can also be demanding.  She pushes me to perform, to be one-pointed, to get things done, which is sometimes what I need.  But sometimes with my condition and my mental health in shambles, I cannot elevate to her.  Another side of myself blooms inside of me.  A more soothing and comforting side.  Let’s call her Grace.  She is more understanding, who stops and listens.  She hugs me and tells me everything is going to be ok.  She tells me I don’t need to make that deadline, I don’t need to stick to this schedule, I don’t have to conform to everyone's wants and desires, I can just BE and that’s ok.  She is wonderful as well and I NEED her, but if I embody her for too long, I start to feel complacent, that I have no momentum.  That I am almost already rotting and I haven’t even died yet.  I have people who I said I will be there for, dreams I set for myself to accomplish, bills to be paid and shit to do.  I cannot soothe myself and rest forever.

Queen and Grace are both very important to me and I revere both of them equally.  I recognize the necessary balance they give me and am grateful they are with me.

Meet Simon, he also loves keyboards

Ever since my hospital stay, I’ve mostly been with Grace.  As soon as the doctors told me about a possible pacemaker, then the lung/heart transplant, Grace was there with me by my side.  I told myself, take it easy, preserve yourself, my health is my priority.  But up until about two weeks ago, now that I’m at home and facing life full on in all its glory, as I’ve been feeling my strength rise, not to what is normal for me, but rise nonetheless, I’ve been really craving Queen.  I mean, she’s always with me and I hear her and feel her, but creatively, it’s more directionless.  I always apply her to some goal, usually a creative or lifestyle goal.  Right now, she gets me to my appointments and maintains my reduced work schedule, but creatively, she’s been more silent.  Or maybe I think I just don’t know what direction I want to take, like in my life.  I always liked teaching math and I’m very good at it, but it seems like the sun of that is setting.  I love streaming on Twitch and connecting with my community, but somewhere in there, I feel some sort of waiting.  Like an incubation waiting for transformation.  An evolution.  Something is telling me not to force myself to stream for streaming’s sake, but to wait.  Or something like that; I don’t have the words.  So I don’t feel Queen as I once did before my hospital stay.  She usually feels like I’m on a speedboat on the open ocean with the wind whipping through my hair as the boat darts across the surface of sunkissed waters.  I miss her and I wonder if I’ll feel her again.

Liver biopsy scar, weird

Ever since I got home from the hospital, my teaching and consulting schedule has been significantly reduced.  I’m working a fraction of what I did before the hospital.  Working less has been helping tremendously for my health.  I have more time to manage my medication and keep up with the demands of the lung transplant team.  Oh, I didn’t tell you?  Yeah they have more things they want me to do like go to pulmonary rehab and get a liver biopsy amongst other things (I already got a liver biopsy last week; they went through my neck, wow technology, which you can see its scar from the picture here).  If you didn’t read about the drama I had with the lung transplant medical team, please read my last post.  I understand why they want me to get these things done; it’s better for me in the long run.  But given my history with them, I wouldn’t be surprised that they are making me do these things just so I get better enough for them to say, well see?  You don’t need a lung/heart transplant anymore.  It’s just hard to trust their intentions at this point.  But I am still jumping their hoops.  Nodding and smiling to all their questions.  But yes, having a reduced schedule is helping me a ton with preserving my energy.  It’s just that we live in a capitalist society and to thrive here, you must participate.  I wasn’t going to ask for money until I knew the medical costs of the lung/heart transplant, but the cost of just knowing I’m going to have a lung/heart transplant is already costing me much of my income.  For anyone who wants to donate money to me, I’ll have my Venmo and Zelle information below.  Know my monthly goal is $2000, which I will have up on my Twitch streams.  Anything for whenever anyone can give is so much appreciated.  (Donation information is at the end of this post.) And please you don’t need to feel bad if money isn’t a way you can support.  Just reading this blog post, or lurking in my streams, chatting, sending a letter or note, or signing my online card ( https://recocards.com/board/welcome-queen-87341613988 ) is honestly wonderful support I need.  Your empathy gives me strength and love and I am so grateful to know you.

Miyu, umm what are you doing?

        To keep myself productive without taxing myself, I’m going to lightly schedule one Twitch stream and 3 blog posts a week starting today.  Hopefully it will help me feel more connected to you and summon Queen more into my life (I miss her).

I’m proud of myself today because I ordered my meds on time and made a call the lung transplant team wanted me to do.  I have a lung transplant team appointment later this week, which I’m not looking forward to lol, but I am well prepared for.  Literally, our appointments are pointless.  They basically just tell me OK, cool, you look fine.  Do this and this and we’ll see you in two weeks.  I want to say, could this have been an email?  Maybe I’ll treat myself to some lunch or something as long as I’m out.

I’m not sure what I’m doing with my day today.  Maybe this will be my streaming day.  I hope to see you =)  I’m happy I get to see my mom every day and am so grateful for all the mental, emotional, and physical support my loved ones give me on the daily.  I hope you are managing your hardships as well as I know life can be so hard sometimes.  Hopefully, you feel the presence of YOUR Grace and Queen in your life and that they are with you every step of your journey.

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Donation Information

Venmo: @ElaineAntipuesto

Zelle: Elaine M Antipuesto

*Note these accounts don’t charge me a fee, which is good.  Know that any one-time deposit that is less than $600 is not taxed, from my understanding.  Anything more in a one-time deposit, I think I have to report.

*Also note that I’m providing personal information at some risk as a woman streamer.  If I don’t know you IRL, please respect my privacy.  I don’t think I need to list the things “not” to do, as it’s obvious.  Please treat me like a friend as I’m treating you.  Thank you.